Amy Winehouse is the most recent individual who has died in the celebrity limelight. She cheated death long enough before he reached his bony fingers out to take what she’d previously denied him multiple times. While thousands of people die every day, the death of a celebrity gains more press than the normal dweeb like you or I because the actions in which they partake are well recorded by the media. Many of us aren’t surprised by Amy Winehouse’s death because it seemed every time we saw her she looked something like this:
I dare you to go into your next job interview looking like this.
It’s hard to imagine that this picture was taken at a time where she smoked anything less than a whole pickle bucket of crack.
When celebrities like this die it is human nature to think, “Who’s next?” The following is a list of celebrities who’ve either cheated death or, unless they significantly change some of their extracurricular activities, could join Amy Winehouse on the dubious celebrity “Gone Too Soon” list.
50 Cent
"Why yes Mr. Cent, I don't mind giving you a sponge bath at all. Right away! Just, please... don't shoot me in the face."
You can’t survive after taking 9 bullets at close range to the hand, arm, hip, both legs, chest, and left cheek and not make this list.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Who knew Iron Man had such a rap sheet?
Today’s Iron Man was once destined to be a footnote in the history of cinema. From the ripe young age of eight, RDJ was already using drugs. Amidst his frequent drug usage, he managed to climb the ranks in Hollywood and appeared to have his one way ticket stamped to the top of the Hollywood elite… but after several arrests, stints in rehab and nearly a year in jail it seemed he was on the downward slide to oblivion.
One particular incident during his years of using mind-altering substances, involved him breaking into a neighbor’s house where he simply went to sleep in one of the beds. This act, if it had been my house, could have led to me blowing his head off before he had a chance to die snorting mountains of cocaine.
We all know what happened: Iron Man. The dude couldn’t have played his cards better. There’s not many actors in Hollywood bigger than RDJ.
Oh yeah… and he kicked that drug habit. Good for him.
Paris Hilton
Nothing spells classy quite like a woman passed out with her ass pointed in your direction
Being famous strictly for being famous doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think it makes those individuals worthy of their celebrity want to pull their bottom lip over their face. If drinking your ass off, showing your privates on “accident” and dating anyone who has a pulse meant you suddenly would become famous then we’d have to start gassing these celebrities because that would mean we were moving backward on the evolutionary chain.
Paris Hilton doesn’t know how to put gas in her car so I’m made to assume she probably needs someone to wash and clean her as well as chew her food for her before she can swallow it. One day, I fear (maybe secretly hope) she’ll wander away and find herself away from the camera, the red carpet and countless subservient employees paid to wipe her butt. When she can’t find her way back, she’ll likely wind up starving to death or gobbled up by a rabid wolf much in the same way a baby bird falls from its nest and isn’t able to fend for itself.
Gary Busey
Known today for his gigantic teeth and seemingly off-center eye sockets, it’s hard to believe that Gary Busey was once an Oscar Nominated Actor. Flapping a jaw that can seemingly dislocate itself to fit around your entire skull, Gary has uttered more erratic comments than the Insane Clown Posse. You can blame his ridiculous behavior on a motorcycle accident he had in 1988, in which he crashed without a helmet, but that’s giving a little too much credit to the motorcycle crash and not enough to the idiot who was driving a motorcycle WITHOUT A HELMET!
DERP!
While Gary has only been arrested a handful of times for some altercations and once for cocaine possession, it doesn’t appear that he will back himself into a corner with death and a pile of drugs. Rather, his utterances (known in some circles as “Busey-isms”) , lead most normal people to believe he’s going to be destroyed by a meteor thrown from the hand of God Himself.
Britney Spears
Who can forget this image of a bald Britney Spears ramming her umbrella into the side of a paparazzi’s car?
Britney rams a car much in the same way countless washed up hip-hop dancers have rammed her
It is hard to imagine that Britney Spears was once the most coveted girl in America by pimply, horn-dog teenagers and that homeless guy that masturbated to her picture in the alley behind your house. Who would have thought her erratic behavior would lead many of us to think we’d turn on the TV one day to find out she’d died trying to iron the wrinkles out of her face.
It would be cool to be famous… but not Britney Spears famous.
Courtney Love
"Courtney Love"? More like "Courtney DrunkerthenShit"
Man… that bitch is crazy. That is all.
Lindsay Lohan
This chick can’t seem to get it together. What began as a promising career as a singer and actress in movies like Mean Girls and The Parent Trap has ended up worse than every ending to a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Hard partying, mass alcohol consumption, drug use and going all lesbian for a while without a care for the consequences doesn’t strike the average Joe as someone who really desires to live past their prime.
Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson is a bit of a wild card. While he hasn’t destroyed his life snorting cocaine, drinking lots of gasoline or having sex with AIDs infected monkeys (at least I don’t think he has) he certainly has given a lot of people plenty of reason to ram a church steeple right up his ass.
Whether its blaming the Haitians on the earthquake that destroyed their country or warning gay people that God may crush them with a hurricane he’s certainly given enough fuel to those individuals who want to see him shut up for good.
Pat Robertson shows us how many working brain cells he has left
Charlie Sheen
W. T. F
Who can forget Charlie Sheen’s recent Twitter rants and admissions to multiple uses of drugs. In an age where social media brings us all the news we need to know in seconds, it appeared that Charlie Sheen’s erratic behavior could even have led him to do something so erratic it would create an everlasting image burned into the minds of those following him. He seemed to be a man hell bent on destroying his life.
While he didn’t completely destroy his life, he did come out “#winning”. His erratic behavior makes him one of the more concerning individuals to watch though.
Okay, so this whole post was quite humorous and well-written, and I offer up a hearty “hear hear!” to every item on it (especially the part about ramming a church steeple up PR’s ass)…however, I must say that I laughed out loud when I got to your bio and the “can garden very fast”. Hahaha!