Iran, tired of the alleged diabolical machinations of vodka, gin and other alcoholic drinks, declared war on all alcoholkind. It was a long and hard fight and many lives were lost. Unfortunately for alcoholic drinks, man’s mobility, ability to think and opposable thumbs proved too much for their inanimate existence.
“We have had enough of the diseases alcohol has brought upon our people. It was time to stand up to its tyrannical rule!” said an Iranian official. He adds “Also, it makes people go crazy. And fat!”
There were survivors of the carnage on the alcohol army side, though. “This is unfair! Why did my brothers and sisters have to die? Alcohol does not always cause diseases, mental health issues and obesity! When taken in moderation, alcohol can actually reduce the risk of heart attack, stroke and even diabetes! It’s people’s fault that they drink alcohol excessively whenever they feel lonely and sad! LONG LIVE THE ALCOHOL RACE!” exclaimed a bottle of Jack Daniels without its cap as it was hauled off to a prison camp in an undisclosed location.
Whether innocent alcoholic beverages deserved it or not, we may never know. One thing is for sure: Iran fought alcohol and won the battle, but the war may not yet be over.
“This is simply unacceptable, yo!” says a bottle of Patron Silver Tequila from his home in Hollywood. “Those poor and precious bottles of alcohol didn’t stand a chance! This is genocide! Screw that noize! All the alcohol of the world unite!” he adds before being served to a group of naked supermodels and rappers in a hot tub.
This tragedy has opened the eyes of mankind and alcoholkind all over the world. Peacemakers from both sides agree that we must all work together for a peaceful co-existence if we are to continue living in a world with awesome parties and pointless drinking binges.
We wanted to get the opinion of cigarettes on this story but they were unavailable.
