Tag Archive for food

Chris Starr | January 2, 2012
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The 5 Most Heart Attacking Meals

You know, there are times when I love and bless America. Often, it’s when I’m feeling down and want to shovel a massive load of fat, sugar and salt into my mouth without a care for the consequences.

However, I should be thinking about the future. After all, there will be little starlets to look after in the future (providing that the fatty foods don’t render my sperm so weak that they couldn’t swim up against a wave machine in the local pool). I can’t be keeling over and dying of a heart attack aged thirty.

Which is precisely what I would be doing if I ate these five calorie laden dishes every day. Let this be a lesson, America: you should sometimes order the salad.

5. Dunkin’ Donuts Sausage, Supreme Omelet and Cheese on Bagel
Well I mean first off, this is four meals, not one. You get an omelet as a dish by itself. Sausage is often sufficient for someone to eat. Cheese is something my girlfriend considers her fourth meal of the day. A bagel is breakfast for many. Combining them all is overload in every sense of the word: 690 calories is a lot.

4. McDonald’s Triple Thick Shake (Chocolate Flavor)

So you’re getting a meal at McDonald’s. Fair enough. You know what’s going to happen. But you don’t expect the drink to have 27g of fat (that’s two cheeseburgers, natch) and 1,160 calories. To put that in perspective, starving African families survive on 1,160 calories between them.

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Chris Starr | December 31, 2011
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5 Famous Political Recipes

We’re gearing up for the battle to the White House with the turn of the year, and there are sure to be a great many different squabbles between candidates on important policies like national security, the threat of terrorism and the economy.

And then there will be the rest of the election stuff. Crap like who said what about whom, who was rumored to have slept with mongeese in their past and whether or not someone’s birth certificate is genuine because it was issued in Hawaii (memo to the continental states: Hawaii and Alaska, despite what you think, are part of the United States).

But forget about all the crap which doesn’t make sense; forget even about the burning issues. There’s something more important in this race: who has the best recipe.

Political recipes have long been a way for candidates to connect to the populace. They release a recipe (which is usually ghostwritten, by the way), people believe they’re humans. Rinse and repeat.

Still, we’ve had some good recipes over the years. These are the five best.

JFK’s Waffles

Paul Butler’s Brown Sugar Meringue Bars (how fancy is this?) Continue reading “5 Famous Political Recipes” »

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Chris Starr | December 8, 2011
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The Top 5 Celebrity Backed Failed Businesses

You know, I really admire the vim and vigor of celebrities.

They’re very rarely content to sit back and rest on their laurels. They want to constantly be innovating beyond, you know, being famous for being famous. They create these enormous businesses – Brand Self – where they sell little bits of their soul (a panty shot here, a drunken brawl there) to the newspapers for their edification and profit.

They get ridiculous amounts of money, and instead of being content with that, they feel the need to go beyond it. They start branching out.

That’s where the shit hits the pan.

I like Emeril Lagasse because he’s a funny fiery man who likes to should “BAM!” on my TV. He’s like a carbomb attached to a catherine wheel of fireworks. I’d buy his cookware products.

But if the guy got into gyms, I’d stay the fuck away. The guy is pudgy and scary. You’d probably get shanked by the treadmill. It’s over reaching. Other people are culpable too.

5. Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania

The thing that made Hulk Hogan’s biceps the largest in the world (actually, they weren’t but Hulk was doing a lot of coke in the 80s so we’ll forgive him) wasn’t saying his prayers and taking his vitamins. I’m sorry to break it to you. It was steroids pasta.

Pasta?

That’s right brother! I owe everything I am to those slippery, slimy noodles, so I’m encouraging all my Hulkamaniacs to visit Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania, brother. The carbonara’s out of this world!

The chain of fast food restaurants based around pasta closed in a year.

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Chris Starr | November 28, 2011
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5 Lies The Food Industry Propagates

I don’t know about you but I love a Big Mac as much as anyone else. There’s something good about chowing down on a burger every once in a while which makes me feel happy. I know full well that it’s not really food, and that it’s clogging up my arteries from just breathing in the air near the fryers, but it’s damn tasty.

But you might think that the stuff you buy in supermarkets is better. It has to be right? Well, not quite…

5. You’re eating wood

No lies. Cellulose is made from the small particles that make up wood. Cellulose is something that it used as a filler in food – because it’s cheaper than flour, for example.

You might think when you eat a bagel or a Sara Lee gateau that you’re getting something tasty and wholesome. You probably don’t think you’re personally responsible for deforestation in the Amazon. What’s worse is that it is totally impossible to digest by humans.

4.You’re also eating ammonia

America, you do faster food better and in higher quantites than anyone else. Except that 70% of your hamburgers are created by a single company.

Monopolies aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they’re fine. I’m not a dirty Commie.

However, this monopoly is different. See, the company that dominates the market uses ammonia to clean its beef. They do this to kill E.coli, which is great. Except that you’re eating ammonia.

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Chris Starr | November 11, 2011
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Top Twinkies Trivia

There’s nothing better than Twinkies. Nothing.

Okay, maybe that’s a lie. After all, I come from England, where there are more bakeries than people* (* that might not necessarily be true). But we’re pretty good about our bakery products, so when I came over here to work for JoeCrazy and was confronted by my first Twinkie…well, I was unimpressed. Unimpressed and scared by the fact that these things could keep so long, to be honest.

But I realize now that you guys idolize your Twinkies, and I’m not going to stand in the way of that. If you want to give Twinkies some love, that’s fine by me. So here’s some top Twinkies trivia to help you celebrate in style.

  • Twinkies were invented at the Continental Baking Company in 1930 when the cake pans used for Little Shortcake Fingers (a product that was made for only six weeks a year in strawberry season) were left lying around. It was the middle of the Great Depression, so you squeezed everything you could out of everything you could. The filling was changed from strawberry to banana, and the Twinkie was born.
  • Of course, it’s not banana now. When World War II hit, bananas were in short supply, so it was switched out to vanilla creme.
  • Twinkies were originally called Twinkle Fingers, which we like to think is what pedophiles like to call their prey when they lure them using the baked treats.

The infamous Twinkie coma, blight of doctors everywhere

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Chris Starr | November 9, 2011
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10 Strange Food Facts

Food’s the centerpiece of much of our lives. We can’t function without it, and we get pretty het up about it.

From describing food to dinner party conversations, here at JoeCrazy we’ve collected some of the best food-related facts, quotes and figures to impress your friends at the next dinner party you hold.

  • The first food eaten in outer space was pureed apple sauce, in 1962. Astronaut John Glenn came back complaining about the food, so NASA decided to improve the quality of its in-flight meals. When he got back into space 36 years later via Discovery, he could choose from shrimp cocktail, macaroni and cheese and candy-coated peanuts.
  • Candy canes came from Cologne Cathedral (I love alliteration). In 1670, the choirmaster bribed his children’s choir to keep quiet during the church service by giving them sugar canes shaped like shepherds crooks.
  • A woman told Calvin Coolidge at a dinner party that she had made a bet with a friend that she could get him to say more than two words to her. The President’s response? “You lose.”

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Chris Starr | November 2, 2011
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6 Candy Bars That Never Quite Worked

We love our candy as humans. It’s quite strange, really, that we can take such joy in synthetic mixes of sugar and glucose syrup so seriously and find such strident and decisive opinions about them. After all, we survived without candy for several millenia.

But if you take a candy bar away from a fat woman today, the likelihood is you will get chased for half a block before she starts wheezing.

There are some candy bars, though, which never quite took off as popularly as those we consume by the shedload today. Some of them you might recognise the taste of but not the name. Some are just plain gone.

Fat Emma

I love the name of this. The Pendergast Candy Company in Minneapolis started producing a candy bar with a nougat center in the 1920s. But they made it bigger than they thought. Thus Emma became Fat Emma. It was basically a Milky Way.

The Red Grange

Red Grange was an impressive football player who was one of the game’s first real celebrities. Sadly, back then we hadn’t quite got the hang of celebrity endorsements, and so this failed.

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Chris Starr | October 26, 2011
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12 Totally Badass Jack-o-Lanterns

I have to say, when you Americans commit to a holiday you commit big. Over here, we’ve only just recently embraced Halloween and it tends to be a highly bored old woman handing out penny toffees which have lint from the bottom of her purse stuck to them to hyper children who do little more than put on a woolly jumper to pretend they’re being some unknown character.

You guys, though, you go all out. Reams of candy are produced at doorsteps, decorations go up and thought is put into costumes.

Plus you carve pumpkins! We hardly ever do that, and when we do it often looks like our Jack-o-lanterns are mid stroke or have Down’s syndrome.

But you guys can make some bitchin’ carvings. Admittedly, they’re very rarely as good as these 12, but still…

You have your traditional carved pumpkins with an added twist, outlined below. They can either be super detailed and artful, or just be innovative.

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Chris Starr | October 11, 2011
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10 Things We Take For Granted

In this modern world we seem to take a lot for granted. There are some things we think will always be there which aren’t – and which, for a lot of people, are never there. You might want to think twice before you take these ten things for granted next time you use them.

10. Water

 

9. A bed

8. Grocery stores

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Chris Starr | September 23, 2011
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10 Tasty Facts About Chocolate

I like nothing more than kicking back with a good bar of chocolate at night. So what if it’s meant to be unhealthy? Do you genuinely think I care? All I want to do is get my mouth around it and let it melt in my mouth because it tastes damn good.

I think that more wars and crises could be averted by giving people little blocks of chocolate to munch on at international meetings. It’s like a less controversial and less disastrous version of making sure that all the world’s leaders are constantly high to prevent conflict.

Here are ten tasty facts about chocolate you might not know:

1. You’d have to eat 10 bars of chocolate to get as much caffeine as a cup of coffee.

2. Chocolate doesn’t cause acne – that’s an urban myth made by people who presume that one kind of grease (that used in chocolate) is the same produced by your skin.

3. People spent more than $7 billion last year on chocolate alone!

4. Think those calories are bad? Think of it like this: one single chocolate chip gives you enough energy to walk 150 feet.

5. You can get more satisfaction from eating chocolate than kissing.

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